Monday, December 29, 2008

NYTimes: Divine Recruits: In America for Job, a Kenyan Priest Finds a Home

I found this article really interesting... I have italicized the lines that particularly struck me.

OAK GROVE, Ky. — The Rev. Chrispin Oneko, hanging up his vestments after leading one of his first Sunday Masses at his new American parish, was feeling content until he discovered several small notes left by his parishioners.

The notes, all anonymous, conveyed the same message: Father, please make your homilies shorter. One said that even five minutes was too long for a mother with children.

At home in Kenya, Father Oneko had preached to rural Africans who walked for hours to get to church and would have been disappointed if the sermons were brief.

“Here the whole Mass is one hour,” he said, a broad smile on his round face. “That was a homework for me, to learn to summarize everything and make the homily 10 minutes, maybe 15. Here, people are on the move very fast.”

Father Oneko is part of a wave of Roman Catholic priests from Africa, Asia and Latin America who have been recruited to fill empty pulpits in parishes across America. They arrive knowing how to celebrate Mass, anoint the sick and baptize babies. But few are prepared for the challenges of being a pastor in America.

Father Oneko, 46, had never counseled parishioners like those he found here at St. Michael the Archangel Catholic Church. Many are active-duty or retired military families coping with debt, racial prejudice, multiple deployments to war zones and post-traumatic stress disorder. Nor did he have any idea how to lead the multimillion-dollar fund-raising campaign the parishioners had embarked on, hoping to build an octagonal church with a steeple to replace their red brick parish hall.

Cutting his sermons short was, in some ways, the least of Father Oneko’s worries when he arrived here in 2004. He did not understand the African-American experience. He had never dealt with lay people so involved in running their church. And yet, in the end, the families of his church would come to feel an affinity with their gentle new pastor, reaching out to him in his hour of need, just as he had tended to them in theirs.

To the volunteers at St. Michael’s, it was clear that Father Oneko was out of his element in many ways. Marie Lake, the church’s volunteer administrator, and her husband, Fred, often invited him for dinner.

“My husband was driving him down 41A and there was a big old statue of Uncle Sam,” said Mrs. Lake, who owns an accounting business and keeps the church’s books. “He thought it was Sam from Sam’s Club wholesale.”

To help him along, the Lakes gave Father Oneko a high school textbook on American history and government.

“Many years ago we sent our missionaries to Africa, and now they’re sending missionaries here,” Mrs. Lake said. “It’s strange how that goes.”

In this largely rural, largely white area of Western Kentucky, the Rev. Darrell Venters, who is in charge of recruiting priests for the Diocese of Owensboro, knew that some of his parishes would never accept Father Oneko, who is short, stout and very dark-skinned.

But Father Venters thought that Father Oneko and St. Michael’s, a parish on the outskirts of a big military base, with its racial mix and many families who had lived abroad, was a good bet.

“We knew if any parish would accept him, it would be this one,” Father Venters said.

Inspired to Serve

When Father Oneko was growing up, the priest in his Roman Catholic parish was an American who spoke the native Luo language and was beloved by the villagers. He showed the children home movies of his parents and his seminary back in America.

“He inspired me,” Father Oneko said. “He was able to speak my language better than anybody I have known. It really interested me, the way I saw him praying the rosary every day. I just admired to be like him.”

In Kenya, Father Oneko became the sole pastor for 12 satellite parishes in an 80-mile stretch. He served more than 3,000 people communion on a typical weekend and ran a girls high school.

It was a hardship post. His car, the only one in the vicinity, was used as a school bus, an ambulance and, if the local officers caught a thief, a police car — with Father Oneko the driver.

When his bishop asked for volunteers to serve in a diocese in Jamaica that badly needed priests, Father Oneko put up his hand. He wanted a new challenge, and being a missionary suited his vision of serving the church.

He found conditions in Jamaica even more desperate than in Kenya. Violence was so common that thugs had killed a priest at the altar.

“The rats in the rectory ate my clothes,” he said. “I got a baby kitten to hunt the rats, but the kitten was eaten by hungry dogs.”

Father Oneko lasted nearly five years as pastor of five churches in Jamaica. But after so much time in hardship posts, he wanted to taste life in a developed country. He sent letters of introduction to dioceses in the United States.

He received offers from two American dioceses. He knew nothing about the Diocese of Owensboro, but picked it because he felt some affinity with its name.

“Our names start with O,” he explained. “So I was so much interested in this place that starts with O.”

Priests must have permission to leave their own dioceses, and some bishops are reluctant to let their priests go, especially if their parishes are understaffed.

In fact, the flow of priests from the developing world to Europe and the United States amounts to a brain drain: most of those developing countries have far fewer priests in proportion to Roman Catholics than the United States does. Father Oneko’s situation in Kenya, serving 12 parishes simultaneously, was not unusual.

But Father Oneko’s bishop at the time, Archbishop John Njenga of Mombasa, said he was receptive to the pleas of the bishops in Jamaica and the United States. He had traveled to Germany and seen parishes closed for lack of priests.

“The Lord will reward us for our generosity, for letting men go out there,” said Archbishop Njenga, who is now retired.

Father Oneko arrived at St. Michael’s on the heels of a Nigerian priest who had been helping out temporarily. Father Oneko said he was unnerved to hear that the Nigerian had not been a resounding success. Parishioners complained that they could not understand his accent. An American pastor said the Nigerian had seemed overly interested in material goods. When an ophthalmologist offered to fit him for glasses at no charge, he asked for three pairs.

But parishioners soon noticed that Father Oneko was different. He listened and won people over with his humility. Where the Nigerian priest had taught the choir to sing African hymns, Father Oneko did not try to impose his worship style. And he learned to keep his sermons to no more than 15 minutes and the Masses to one hour.

One Sunday, after he opened his homily with a joke that fell flat, he said, “I know some of you are looking at your watches, so I’ll make it brief.”

He preached slowly, in his Kenyan accent: “Late us prrray.” Sometimes he spelled out words when he saw the congregation looking puzzled. “B-I-R-D, not B-E-D,” he said.

He did not tell the parishioners that in Kenya and Jamaica, he had been a charismatic Catholic, participating in faith healings and leading Masses with spirited singing and clapping that lasted for hours.

In Kentucky, he stuck to the music the congregation was used to. At the Saturday evening Mass, that meant a faint choir of three voices; at the 11:30 a.m. Sunday Mass, an extended family of Filipinos played guitar and piano.

Some afternoons, the church’s deacon, Jack Cheasty, would see Father Oneko sitting alone at the piano in a corner of the church, quietly playing the upbeat charismatic hymns he loved. “He’s cautious to do anything that might be divisive,” Deacon Cheasty said, “and that’s one of his strengths.”

Tending the Flock

Father Oneko drove slowly out of the church parking lot one day in his Ford Taurus with a bumper sticker that said, “The Holy Priesthood: Called, Consecrated, Sent.” He was making house calls, giving communion to three parishioners too ill to come to church.

At the first house, he was offered a seat in an armchair, but instead he chose to sit on a rumpled couch next to his ailing parishioner, SunI Robbins, so frail from lung cancer she could barely sit up. She opened trembling hands to receive the eucharist.

“Don’t lose hope,” Father Oneko said gently, “because we all love you. Mr. Robbins loves you. The whole church, we are all praying for you. Just trust in God’s mercy and love.” (Mrs. Robbins has since died.)

Driving well under the speed limit, as is his habit, he said that Africans were far more accustomed to death — and premature death — than Americans. In Kenya, he said, so many parents were used to having children die. In Africa, he said, “We just accept it.”

He drove into the countryside to the home of one of the church’s founding members, Shirley Korman. In the yard, Mrs. Korman’s son was stalking small game with a rifle. Inside, the house was decorated with large framed prints of Civil War battle scenes.

Mrs. Korman, a retired nurse who has congestive heart failure, sat in a glider rocker, a red wig setting off her pale skin. She said that when her husband died, Father Oneko had comforted her and led a moving funeral.

“Father Chrispin,” she said, “if you’re still here in Kentucky, I want you to come and do my funeral.”

His answer was gentle: “I hope to still see more of you, but if it happens, I will fulfill your request.”

On the way out, after passing a portrait of Robert E. Lee, Father Oneko spied a statue of a guardian angel on the kitchen table. The angel was a beautiful woman in flowing robes, and she was black.

“I haven’t seen one like that before!” Father Oneko exclaimed, delighted.

That night, he settled at a table at a Mexican restaurant filled with soldiers in uniform and their families, where he discovered to his satisfaction that sizzling fajitas tasted a lot like the grilled meat he missed from Kenya. He said that although he saw himself as a missionary, he did not think he was actually spreading the faith in Kentucky.

“People already know their faith,” he said. “Mine is only to help them. I’m not planting any new faith here. Mine is only to water it.”

He confessed that he had an easier time relating to white Americans than African-Americans because he did not understand why blacks carried such resentments toward the United States.

“Their ancestors are long gone,” he said. “They are bitter for I don’t know what.”

He has little tolerance for what he sees as unnecessary self-pity. When an unemployed Vietnam veteran told him he blamed his war experience for his poverty, Father Oneko said he told him: “I blame you, because military people have so many opportunities. You are getting some pension from the government, so you should not complain.

“There are some poor people, poorer than you, somewhere, in Africa, in Jamaica,” Father Oneko said. “But you, at least you have freedom. You have somewhere to sleep.”

‘Part of the Family’

One morning in January, Father Oneko received a phone call from his family in Kenya, where a disputed presidential election had just set off a wave of intertribal anger and violence.

A mob had set fire to his parents’ house because they had given shelter to a family of a rival tribe the mob was chasing. Father Oneko’s 32-year-old brother, Vincent Oloo, arrived in time to help their elderly parents escape the burning house. But the mob turned on Father Oneko’s brother, shooting him dead. He left a wife and three children.

“My parents were just crying and crying,” Father Oneko said. “My father is crying and saying, ‘Now I’m losing all the children, who will bury me?’ ”

Father Oneko phoned his friend the Rev. John Thomas and then Mrs. Lake, his faithful volunteer administrator. She was stunned at the news, and for half an hour listened to and consoled her priest — a sudden role reversal. Father Oneko was troubled to hear his mother wailing on the phone and to know that he could not go to Kenya to perform the funeral. His parents insisted it was too dangerous for him to come.

Mrs. Lake called three of the church’s Silver Angels, a club of elders. They phoned more church members, and in two hours 60 people had assembled at a special noon Mass in memory of Father Oneko’s brother.

At the end of the Mass, they lined up in the center aisle as if for communion, and Father Oneko stood at the front receiving their embraces one by one.

He was overwhelmed by the outpouring of sympathy. Children in the parish school in Hopkinsville made him cards; one showed his brother with a halo, in the clouds. The bishop and priests of the diocese e-mailed and phoned their condolences. St. Michael’s and the parish in Hopkinsville took up a special collection for his family that totaled $5,600.

“It seems the whole church is praying with me,” Father Oneko said a few days later, as he read through the children’s cards. “You feel like you’re not a foreigner, just a part of the family. It makes me know how much I am to them.”

Bidding Farewell

In June, after four years at St. Michael’s, Father Oneko was transferred as part of a routine reshuffling of priests in the diocese. When he told the worshipers at the 11:30 Sunday Mass about the transfer, some cried. Several told him they would leave the church.

He said: “Don’t come to the church because of me. Come because of God.”

He insisted he did not want a big goodbye party because he was afraid he would cry. Still, he was showered with gifts: calling cards; a white chasuble from the Silver Angels, hemmed for his short frame; a $1,500 check from the parish for his coming trip to see his family in Kenya; and from Mrs. Korman, a replica of the black angel he had seen on her kitchen table.

He was leaving the parish no more and no less healthy than he had found it. Attendance still fluctuated from 300 to 450 on a weekend — lower in summer and during troop mobilizations.

The campaign to raise money for the new church was still under way. But as a temporary measure, the parishioners had replaced the stacking chairs with wooden pews and built an arched altar, so the old recreation hall looked more like a real church.

At his last set of three weekend Masses, Father Oneko began his homily with a rambling African story about a hyena, a monkey and a tortoise. At the punch lines, no one in the first two Masses laughed. By the third, he had the timing down better and some chuckled. The story was about being grateful, and he spent the next 20 minutes thanking everyone he could think of by name. The homily lasted 35 minutes.

In one of his last acts, he baptized an 11-month-old baby. With the sun streaming in, the baby, Hope Charity Banse, looked like a porcelain doll in her white christening gown.

The baby’s mother, Jennifer Banse, had been waiting for this moment for months. Her husband had just returned from Iraq, in time for Father Oneko to perform the baptism before he transferred. In her husband’s absence, Father Oneko had been a comfort.

Hope rested her head on her mother’s shoulder, then stretched her hand toward the African priest, more familiar to her than her own father. “Hope Charity,” Father Oneko said, “the Christian community welcomes you with great joy.”

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Overheard (skeefed from DCist)

Overheard of the Week:

At Brookland Metro station, two college age kids from Catholic University:

Guy 1: "My dealer is hiking up prices because he says that all the gas he wastes on deliveries is hurting him."
Guy 2: "Damn…well, I guess now I can get behind off-shore drilling."

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It's like a biathlon.

On 14th Street NW:

A man and woman are walking with a stroller and talking about breast feeding. The woman takes an infant out of stroller.

Man to woman: "Can't you just feed him while you walk?"

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This could be funny or gross, depending.

On the Red line:

Two 40-something ladies are trying to maintain their balance.

Lady 1: “I feel like I should be naked and upside down on this pole right now.”

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Is the Columbia Heights Target the new Columbia Heights Giant?

At Target on Saturday:

A late 20s or 30s woman is leaving Target with a small boy.

The boy is walking relatively calmly.
Woman: "Y'all better calm down!" (then under her breath) "Or I'ma kick yo ass." (laughs)
Boy jumps around a little.
Woman: "What the fuck I just say! Calm down."

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No, do tell!

At the Tabard Inn a few Sundays ago:

"She had sex with a guy in a trash can -- have I told you this story?"

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Somehwere, Jared is smiling

Entering a gourmet grocery store in AU Park on Sunday:

A five-year-old boy to his parents: "Is five dollars for a foot-long a lot of money or a little money?"

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They should hang out with the Metro ladies

Two old guys at the Union Station food court, cracking jokes the whole time:

Guy #1: "There was a book fair at work, and I wanted to donate books but they told me it was over!"
Guy #2: "So what?"
Guy #1: "WELL....I wanted to donate all my 'Sex After 60' books!"
Guy #2: "That's a pretty slim volume... trust me!"
Guy #1: "I mean, I wanted to donate all my 'elder porn' but I guess they didn't want it. That's ageism!"

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Target, volume two.

A woman walking with a boy at Target a few weeks ago:

Woman: "Gimme yo hand 'fo i beat yo' ass!"

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

How bizarre - Police seek key clues in piano mystery

By CAPE COD TIMES
November 22, 2008
HARWICH – Police are seeking key evidence to solve the mystery of a piano discovered in the Bells Neck woods on Saturday.
At 3 p.m., a woman walking on trails inside the conservation area discovered a piano in the middle of the woods. The Baldwin piano, which had a matching bench, is in perfect working condition, police said.
The piano is extremely heavy, and it took more than a half-dozen men to load it onto a truck, according to police.
Because of its superb condition, the piano was not simply pushed out of a vehicle in the woods, police said.
Police said they have no idea how the piano came to rest in the middle of musical nowhere. A general notice has gone out to area police departments in an attempt to figure out whether the piano was stolen or lost.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Recently Overheard

I'm going to start doing this - writing down funny things I overhear - but in the meantime, here's the DCist's version:

Often you only need one side of a phone conversation to give you context: a person ordering pizza, talking to their parents, or work stuff. Sometimes, you can tell it's not good.

Overheard of the Week:

Walking home from the King Street Metro station:
Guy on cell phone: "You may not know who gave it to you, but you know who you f#%ked, you know what I mean?"
------
The correct response
At Union Station Metro to Glenmont at 5:30 a.m., as everyone is leaving the train:
Tourist: (frantically) "Should I get on this train? I think I need the Orange line!"
Older guy: "Well, where are you going?"
Tourist: "Baltimore."
The old guy just walks away, silently.
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Next time, try Doritos
On 16th street on a Sunday afternoon:
Guy #1: "Did I tell you I broke it off with that guy I slapped?"
Guy #2: "Oh... really?"
Guy #1: "Yeah... He was witty, but his hair smelled like Cheez-Its, and that is a total turn-off for me."
Guy #2: "Cheez-Its???"
Guy #1: "Seriously. It gives new meaning to the phrase 'tranny mess.'"
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What's next, girls against ponies?
Two teen girls walking into the Natural History Museum a week or so ago:
Girl 1: "What should we go see? I know, let's go see the Butterfly exhibit!"
Girl 2: (Look of terror crosses her face) "No!"
Girl 1: "Why?"
Girl 2: "Butterflies are scary and they freak me out! They might land on me!"
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What did we do before cameraphones?
On the Red line headed toward Glenmont:
Three girls are sitting near each other.
Girl #1: "I hate it when people look through my phone."
Girl #2: "Me too. Especially when they look through my pictures. If you look through my pictures, you're going to see dicks."
Girl #3: "Word."
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Surprised this didn't happen in Columbia Heights
In Starbucks at Connecticut and R in Dupont:
Toddler: (points to large, bright Starbucks logo in the window) "What's that?"
Father: "It's a big, green beacon of hope."
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Surely this is what Obama was talking about
At the Verizon Wireless Store at Metro Center:
Girl in her mid 20s walks in and goes to counter: "I broke up with my boyfriend, I need a new phone and a new plan. Time for CHANGE!"
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Your weekly opportunity to crack jokes about GW's tuition
In Foggy Bottom at 9 a.m.:
College-age girl: "Why are you so tired this morning?"
College-age guy: "I couldn't sleep without any weed in my system!"
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Stereotypes, confirmed
Outside the D.C. police precinct at 5th & D SE:
Officer: "Man, I've got to get me some doughnuts!"

Monday, November 3, 2008

Obamarxism

This stencil was spotted near Cupid's Span (Claes Oldenburg and Coosje van Bruggen, 2003).

We feel that Senator Obama’s surname is a boon for stenciling sloganeers, who are no doubt tired of the limited range of genital puns offered by the name of our current President. The astonishing combinability of “Obama” has only just begun to be explored--the already-tired “Obamarama” is just the beginning.

Yet this enigmatic stencil offers more than just a mellifluous neologism: it points to Red-State nightmare, a spectre haunting the heartland. The ten stenciled letters spell out an astonishing political message: it is actually impossible to tell where OBAMA ends and MARXISM begins.

As a scientific test of this ghastly/wonderful assertion (depending on your political position), we've reproduced here the actual words of Barack Obama and Karl Marx. Can you tell the difference?

Mystery Quotation #1:

We cannot turn back. Not with so much work to be done. Not with so many children to educate, and so many veterans to care for. Not with an economy to fix and cities to rebuild and farms to save. Not with so many families to protect and so many lives to mend. America, we cannot turn back. We cannot walk alone. At this moment, in this election, we must pledge once more to march into the future. Let us keep that promise--that American promise--and in the words of Scripture hold firmly, without wavering, to the hope that we confess.

Mystery Quotation #2:

It is clear that the arm of criticism cannot replace the criticism of arms. Material force can only be overthrown by material force but theory itself becomes a material force when it has been seized by the masses. Theory is capable of seizing the masses when it demonstrates ad hominem, and it demonstrates ad hominem as soon as it becomes radical. To become radical is to grasp things by the root. But for man the root is man himself.

Which is which?

According to the official website of Vegans for McCain, the first selection is from Barack Obama’s speech to the Democratic Party’s National Convention on August 28, 2008, a passage clearly plagiarized (alleges VfM) from the second passage, an excerpt from the young Karl Marx’s 1844 essay “Contribution to the Critique of Hegel's Philosophy of Right: Introduction." The

"Contribution," by the way, is strangely not listed in a web-based archive of Marx's work.

Possibly a conspiracy is afoot.

article skeefed from SFist

Thursday, October 30, 2008

"Google me, you dumb f**k," quoth the daughter of ex-Yahoo CEO

Let's take spoiled bitches for 500.

Here's the answer: My dad used to run Yahoo, I'm a really mean chick and I now will beat the crap out of you.

The question: Who is Courtenay Semel?

A security guard at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas is suing the daughter of former Yahoo honcho Terry Semel for allegedly pummeling him in a drunken stupor.

In a lawsuit filed yesterday in L.A. County Superior Court, Jaroslaw Jarczok claims he was working security last August at 4:00 AM at PURE Nightclub when Courtenay was "quite intoxicated due to alcohol and/or chemical or other substances." He claims she got all foul-mouthed on him. One thing led to another and he eventually handcuffed Semel, the GF of Tila Tequila. That's when she allegedly struck Jarczok in the face and uttered these soon-to-be immortal words, which deserve a separate line in bold type:

"Do you even know who I am, f**king idiot?...Google me, you dumb f**k."

Jarczok says he's been humiliated and "anxious about receiving harassing comments by friends..." He wants unspecified damages.

In case you missed what she said:

"Do you even know who I am, f**king idiot?...Google me, you dumb f**k."

story skeefed from TMZ